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Next summer, you'll be starring on Broadway in a musical production of Spider-Man. "Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can! I think it comes with the territory, but it does get on my nerves. Most of my friends are guys, so I tend to hang out with men. I have maybe two really good girlfriends and that's about it. And okay fine, her latest movie—Whatever Works, which opens nationwide this weekend—is about the romance between a younger woman (played by her) and a balding, nebbishy older man played by Larry David—a film directed, not coincidentally, by Woody Allen, a balding, nebbishy auteur who has made many movies about balding, nebbishy men and the jailbait who love them. Wood at the Hotel Costes in Paris, France, where she was taking a much-deserved break from promoting Whatever Works and, I could only assume, catering to an endless queue of senior-age lovers. To the best of my knowledge, it's entirely fictional.)Eric Spitznagel: This movie is about the romance between a middle-aged man and a ridiculously hot underage woman. Melody and Boris don't actually kiss in this movie. As long as it's platonic, it's okay to have romantic feelings for an older man? As funny as that would've been, I'm glad we never crossed that line. Boris needs somebody to take care of him, and Melody loves taking care of people. So you wouldn't be opposed to exploring your Lolita freaky side? In Down in the Valley, I was sixteen and my character had a relationship with Edward Norton. Lolita's not exactly the most wholesome role model for a teenage girl. I didn't want that, but I definitely wanted my fangs to be intimidating. I'd been wanting my own vampire fangs for quite some time. And yes, there were tabloid rumors (likely untrue) that Wood was involved in some tonsil-hockey with Mickey Rourke, who played her deadbeat daddy in last year's indie hit The Wrestler, and even more tabloid rumors (likely true) that she's currently dating Shane West, who played her older brother on the long-since cancelled ABC drama Once and Again, which would seem to suggest that she has a thing for fictional incest. I'm only interested in asking her about the craft of acting, and her devotion to truthful story-telling, and blah blah blah, okay whatever, yes fine, I want to know about the older men. Other than Woody Allen movies, does that ever really happen? Nobody can give us a hard time about their relationship being creepy or weird. It's just a sweet comedy about a very unlikely pair. But that's as Lolita freaky as I've gotten. I collect heart-shaped glasses—I have about fifty pairs right now—and I used to dress up like Lolita all the time as a teenager, right down to the one sock. Yeah, my mother was a little worried when she realized I was reading it and loving it so much. After we're done filming, they might just end up missing from the set. I wish they were my natural boobs, but it was all smoke and mirrors. It's being helmed by Julie Taymor, who brought Lion King to Broadway. It's gonna be like a rock n' roll circus.
She was like, "I didn't know you were going to be reading that kinda stuff." I was like, "Oh c'mon, Mom! I don't think the push-up bra was Woody's idea. I just wanted Melody to look totally different from me, and her boobs were a good place to start. And the flying technology they're using is just amazing. Will it include the theme song from that brilliantly cheesy 1967 Spider-Man cartoon? "Spins his web, any size, catches thieves, just like flies.
Just answer me this: Are his ears hairier than the top of his head? You're appearing in a few episodes of the HBO series True Blood, playing a 400-year-old vampire named Sophie Anne. Is Twilight just a passing teenage fad, like huffing? Teenagers have always been crazy about vampires and they always will be. No, that was Julie's rule when we started working on the show, but I definitely agree with it. Evan shows her pussy to the world, but it's my pussy cat. I don't care if I trip and fall on my face, I'm coming out cross-legged. I think my life in general has been the best education possible. Right after my parents took me out of public school, I was cast on Once and Again. She worked with me right up until I got my diploma.
Does that get annoying, or does it just come with the territory?
Your dating pool has been frequent fodder for tabloid stories.
But I'm not going to go there, because that would be obvious. So would it be fair to say you're not a big Nabokov fan? I was home-schooled since the seventh grade, so I didn't have the required reading you usually get in public school. So when my mom noticed I'd picked up Lolita, it definitely made her nervous. "You briefly dated Marilyn Manson, who's a decade or two older than you. Was he just getting a little rusty around the edges? Speaking of wacky prosthetics, is it true you had fake boobs for Whatever Works? That's gotta be a first for a Woody Allen movie. Diane Keaton was definitely not pushing up anything.(Laughs.) Yeah, that was back when bras were getting burned. It just seems to be in the same theatrical genre as the Planet of the Apes musical.(Laughs.) Maybe so. Some of the songs actually make me cry, they're so good. How cool would it be to do a full chorus-line version? You could be an Abercrombie model, but if you're boring I won't be interested at all. Marilyn's all about the early-bird senior discount at Denny's, isn't he? It's just that I'm about to move to New York and he's constantly on tour and it was just getting really hard for us to be apart for so long. It's just such a romantic idea: Never growing old, never dying, drinking blood. Did you have any artistic control over the size and shape of your incisors?