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10-Feb-2015 10:27

This afternoon, President Obama made a speech about preschool education. They'll get ice cream (plain vanilla, in a bowl) and he'll refuse to try hers when offered.

White House correspondent Zachary Goldfarb thought so, tweeting the following: "POTUS just suggested that his older daughter is going out on dates. Jack Edwards: The youngest son of disgraced former senator John Edwards, Jack, or Jackie as we'd imagine he likes to be called, is a bit of a wild child. Getting the five-finger discount at the Apple store (new headphones! Sure, she's only 14 and he's a mature 19, but this is an innocent date we're talking about.

At the end of the date, Harry gives Malia a gentlemanly kiss on the cheek and then opens his umbrella and flies away, as is the preferred method of travel for British people. Read no further if you're not caught up on Homeland. That ended like months ago.) So, there is obviously one minor complication with this scenario, namely that Finn recently came down with a terrible case of explodeditis.

But we're just imaging things here, this is all pretend, so let's just assume that somehow Finn made it out of the CIA bombing and is now courting the First Teen.

During a speech about preschool education on Thursday, President Obama jokingly suggested that his older daughter was going on dates. "They have sleepovers and — dates," he said to laughter. Did Obama just tell us that Malia is going on dates? At the end of the night, Daniel will wave goodbye from a safe distance and then go home and lie on his bedroom floor taking deep breaths for a while. etc., they'll get rid of their Secret Service tail by, I dunno, running fast, and Jack will show Malia a crazy good time. Harry Styles: Malia Obama is pretty famous and her dad can have people sent to secret island prisons, so it's not beyond the realm of possibility that she could score a date with the most beloved member of One Direction.

At one jokey point, he warned parents of younger children that those little kids would soon grow up to be teenagers, ones who are too busy to hang out with their parents. They'll stop by a party at one of Malia's friend's houses, and when kids start playing spin the bottle, Daniel will promptly, and purely, pick up the bottle and throw it away. ) This is going to be the most upstanding date anyone's ever been on.

He then added, "…or at least it's on his mind." Let's forget about that second part and take the first half at face value. But just like his daddy, you wouldn't know it by lookin' at him. ), dining and dashing at Johnny Rockets, splitting a cigarette that Malia found hidden in a potted plant in her dad's office. Of course, the Secret Service will eventually catch up to them and the date will be promptly over, but that's OK. After a nice meal at the Fuddruckers in Rockville, the two (and their security detail) get in Marine One and fly on down to Nashville, where they throw eggs at Taylor Swift's house and giggle like crazy.

They'll go to the movies and he'll leave a seat between them.

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) Plus, you know that with a kid from a family as values-y as the Santorums, there's not going to be any funny business.

On the ride home, Harry gets out his guitar and plays a little tune for Malia, and even the Secret Service agents swoon a little.