And do you know what almost every single one of them say? After years or sometimes just months of the learned behavior, it became ingrained as we lost our sense of self, and sometimes even our self worth. My two marriages occurred when I was still young- 21 years old and then again at 24. What was interesting was that when I eventually rediscovered my self, became firm in my core values, confident in my vulnerability, and unafraid to expose my truth from date one, my relationships shifted. I could tell that men were falling for me- the real and raw me. It’s a side of use, but it’s not who we are at our core. ” in other words: do you open up, reveal your true self, get a little vulnerable, connect through stories instead of surface level bullshit? -Or some have the same reason I did, the same reason that kept me emotionally distant and shut down: “I don’t know who I truly am or how to open up.” And that is both sad and scary. Many of us have walled up and shut down due to old emotional scar tissue, the remnants of unhealthy relationships that conditioned us to hide ourselves in order to be “well behaved” or avoid a fight.I have been proposed to 9 times (one of them quite seriously on the first date and several others within a few weeks). I have also been married twice and engaged a 3 time. But then I entered a string of extremely unhealthy relationships that left me unsure of all I had before “known” to be. But I left one very important element out of the equation: me. And instead I presented the perfect façade, still with an understanding that in order to get men to open up- which I wanted them to because I wanted to truly know them, I needed to be “vulnerable” too… And after this long lead up let me tell you the crux of the problem: Because my heart was closed, I was unable to fall in love. If you want to find real love, get real, get vulnerable, get raw- even on the first date.I didn’t manipulate, lie to, use, or lead on any of them. When we first met, I was fun, spontaneous, happy, passionate, adventurous, nurturing, dedicated, interesting and interested. But I had what I called a “false bottom.” I knew how vulnerable I was willing to get, but didn’t expose the true grit, the pain, the weakness, the shame that lay just beneath what I allowed to be seen. If you don’t decide to open your heart- and the most direct route to heart opening is through showing vulnerability, then you will not be able to feel for another. We put it on and out for public consumption as a protective mechanism. New clients will come to me wondering why: With every single one of these clients I ask “do you get raw on the first or second date? -He doesn’t deserve that type of emotional intimacy yet.Because it’s the quirks, the overcame obstacles, the HUMANITY that make people truly lovable and allow others to deeply and authentically fall in love. But it’s “weakness,” or rather vulnerability, that they fall in love with. Still men and women continue to be lured in by these facades every single day, thinking they have found the unicorn- the perfect person who is fun and nice and adventurous and hot and loving and nurturing… They are “never” challenging or emotional or sad or angry or shut down or “normal”…
There are even dating sites that encourage illicit affairs.
Try to avoid these dating sites that were mainly concentrating on their profits rather than the safety of their members.
This is also the reason why so many women who put on “perfect” in the first 3-5 dates end up dumped for “no reason.” The actual reason is that they were forgettable.
Why would you join these dating sites if you had already seen and met some possible or potential future partners offline?
With both of my divorces I took nothing and got nothing… What I did unknowingly do, however, was put on a façade of “perfect,” one that made men drop to their knee thinking they had so easily found the “ideal woman.” Because that’s what I was putting out and putting on. And my saying all of this to you is by no means an attempt to show off. We had deep conversations during which almost every guy revealed secrets that they “oh my God, I’ve never felt comfortable enough to tell anyone that before…” I loved making my man happy and creating an environment of safety and trust within which he could be wholly himself. You are also not allowing yourself to be truly loved.
I was playing by “the rules” of dating and relationship engagement. They just, in the end, were not good for me at the time. I knew what to do and how to act in order to turn guys on. I had learned to withhold my dirty “truths,” my weakness, my fears, my failures, my shame. So Screw the Rules, drop the façade, enough with the manipulative games.